An absent Charlie Sheen stole the ninth-season premiere of “Two and a Half Men” from Ashton Kutcher without showing up. Much of the half hour was taken up with Charlie Harper jokes. He’d died in France, hit by a train; the early line “his body exploded like a balloon full of meat,” crafted by four writers including Chuck Lorre, made sure there was scant sentimentality over Charlie’s departure — Harper or Sheen. Kutcher made his entrance. I didn’t laugh once from then on. And I didn’t find him sexy. But I’m sure people will watch anyway.